Life starts Now.

So here's how I feel...

"Life starts now. You've been through the things that could kill you somehow, and you're so far down. You will survive somehow because life starts now."

"I've had enough, you're selfish and sorry, you'll never learn how to love. As your world disassembles...better keep ur head up. Your name, Your face is all you have left now. Betrayed, disgraced..you've been erased."

"I’ll be coming home just to be alone, Cause I know you’re not there and I know that you don’t care. I can hardly wait to leave this place. No matter how hard I try, You’re never satisfied. This is not a home, I think I’m better off alone. You always disappear even when you’re here. This is not my home, I think I’m better off alone."

"You tried to lie and say I was everything, I remember when I said I'm nothing without you. Somehow I found a way to get lost in you, let me inside, let me get close to you. Change your mind, I'll get lost if you want me to. Somehow I found a way to get lost in you."

"Standing on my own, remembering the one I left at home. Forget about the life I used to know... So now I'm standing here alone, I'm learning how to live life on my own."

It's like he's speaking to me. :) Nothing better than driving and cranking Three Days Grace... it's my therapy.
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Anywho...

Life has been crazy lately. It's been pretty non-stop, especially the last week.

Thursday, I had just dropped off Brodie with my sister and headed to Jordans when we got a txt to go to Addison with the girls. As soon as we got to Dukes (for midget wrestling!), the 5 of us sat in the middle of the bar and Jordan says, "I'm not seriously seeing this!" I look over, and it's Harland and his brother. mmm...akward! They came over to chat but needless to say he decided to leave. haha.

Friday I went to Harlands to spend time with Brodie and once he was asleep went to Addison, again, for Jess' bday. We decided to go to BlackFinn to dance. Let's just say my thighs killed me for the next 3 days. One of the funnest nights I've had in a long time! Went back to Jors and had some ppl over...

Saturday I downed some extra strength Tylonols and Charlie, Jordan, Cole and I went to Erinn's wedding! She looked absolutely beautiful, as did all my girls. Afterward we went to Shops of Legacy to celebrate with the Newlyweds.

Sunday, first thing I did was drive to go get my lil man. A day and a half..the longest I've gone without being with him and I was dying. We had a very lazy 4th, just went to Kobe Steaks with some pretty amazing people and then met up with my mom to watch fireworks. Brodie was in a daze the whole time, it was pretty cute. That was his last first holiday :( which means he's almost 1 YEAR OLD!!

Monday we went to the pool and met some pretty cool people, and ended up going to Gecko with them, and KATIE!! (love you kt!)

Now I've been spending all my time with my favorite person until tonight when Harland picks him up for his night :(



Oh and btw one of my BEST FRIENDS just found out she's having a GIRL!! Congradulations Erica! I love you and Anabella! :)

This is my Temporary Home

Did you miss me?

I needed a fresh start, my old blog reaks of my old life and as much as I will miss it, I have to start over.

Sheesh. If anyone knows me they know that I have been through a LOT in my life and with Harland I finally thought I was home, that I was done with all the extremely hard times that life has thrown at me. I guess this is just another one I will have to face. In the words of one of my best friends, Jordan, "you are the strongest person I know, and if anyone can get through this, it's you." I have heard that for so long, and honestly I'm sick of having to hear that. I don't WANT to be strong. I don't WANT to have to go through this... I don't WANT to have to live out of my car...AGAIN. Thank God for my amazing friends Kelsy and Jordan who have let Brodie and I crash at their place for 3 weeks! Literally don't know what I would do without them!

3 weeks later... I am at a good place. The first week I could barely function, the 2nd I kept myself VERY busy, and now I feel like I'm getting back to the old me. I was singing along to "ridin solo" in the car the other day with a huge smile on my face, feeling like I was capable of doing anything with my life now. I had pictured spending the rest of my life with Harland for a long time, and there were quite a few things that I thought I would have to settle for...and that I knew I wouldn't be happy about but for Brodie's sake I wanted to make it work. We had the perfect relationship until we moved to Dallas. He picked up smoking again (will NEVER again date a smoker), started getting bad into gambling, not coming home at night...and others I won't mention. I am not here what so ever to bash him, he is my baby's father and I will always love him, I'm actually tearing up writting this but I guess that was our purpose together...to create this amazing little boy, and for us to have a friendship out of it. We have had many talks and I think we are both content with our situation (besides of corse not having a place to live) and we are actually friends. I see him almost everyday to pick up or drop off Brodie and it's like we erased the 2 1/2 years we were together. I really do feel like I dated two completely different people, and I had been waiting to see if the one I fell in love with would ever come back...and he didn't. It terrifies me to ever be with someone else if someone can change that dramatically in such a small amount of time. I haven't been single for 3 1/2 years, and even when I was single it was only for about a month at a time...I think for a whole 3 months total in the last mmm 6 years?!...at least. I'm not a 'single' kind of girl.. so this is definitely going to be very strange. I have NO desire to be in a relationship for a while. I was pretty scared thinking about dating as a single mom, feeling like I wouldn't be able to find anyone who could accept that I have a child...apparently not the case. Phhew. As soon as I put 'single' on facebook, I was relieved to find that that wasn't true at all. haha.

..to top off my already stressful life... my birthdad (aka sperm donor) requested that I forgive all his past child support that he owes ($40,000) so that he doesn't go to jail. haven't talked to the man in 4 years. why again would i do that? He calls me and says I want a loving relationship with you, if you do. i say I do and always have! his response: "then why are you ruining my child's life?!" im sorry..WHAT!? "you're ruining his life by putting me in jail." I literally hung up as soon as I heard that. what a sorry excuse for a father. I'm sorry that YOU'RE not enough of a man to pay for your responsiblities but how DARE you blame that on me! When I was 15 (the last time I saw him), I was in the car with him and my grandma and she asks him why he doesn't have a real job and he replies bc then I'd have to start paying child support! For a while here I actually thought we could salvage some sort of relaitonship but I am offically done. He is dead to me. If he would rather sit in jail and not pay child support that is fine by me. I don't want that for his girlfriend and son who I adore, but hopefully this will wisen him up bc he needs to get his shit together.

On to other news...
EVERYONE is getting married this summer. Perfect time to be single! (not.) Two of my best friends' weddings are this month and we have had a blast getting ready for them. Erinn's bachelorette party couldn't have been more fun... from what I remember! We went on Adrienne's boat just us girls until it started POURING rain...so we had to cancel our dinner and bar plans, which probobly ended up being more fun! We all stayed at Lauren's house and yes...played truth or dare. It was a BLAST! haha... truth or dare is definitely a lot more fun with liquor. I think Jess and I were voted the "don't trust you around our boyfriend type". haha nice.


Brodie's first birthday plans are coming along... had to get pics taken... these were my faves.




















and lastly, I want to thank everyone who has been there for me through this. it hasn't been easy but without yall it would be impossible so thank you :)